How To Explain Bipolar To Your Friends

        Telling a friend that you have a serious mental illness is a risk, but it can reap tremendous rewards. Until the words "I have bipolar disorder," have come out of your mouth, you won't know how your friend is going to take this news. You might think you know how they are going to react, you might hope it's going to go well, but until you roll the dice and see their reaction, you won't know for sure. 

        I'm the author of Befriending Bipolar and I've lived with bipolar disorder for 33 years. In this blog I share 9 tips that may help you decide which friends you are going to tell and how you are going to tell them. I am offering inspiration and ideas, it's not advice. We are all different and handle situations differently. It's up to us to figure out how we explain bipolar to our friends.

1. Use your judgement:

        Some friends are more trustworthy or understanding than others. Some are life-long, loyal and kind. You've been through good and bad times together, and they've proven they can be relied on. Others may be fair-weather friends. People whose company you enjoy but don't do the serious parts of your relationship. It's not that there's something wrong with them, but they're not cut out to understand or support someone with bipolar. They may be the type who seems to vanish as soon as trouble is on the horizon. You can never be sure how a friend will react to hearing that you have bipolar. Sometimes it's the fairweather friends who turn out to be the best support, but it's wise to use your discernment. If they can't keep secrets, or just don't have that compassionate gene, maybe they aren't the one to tell.

2. Make a special appointment to have a chat: 

        You don't have to rush to tell your friends about your diagnosis. You can take your time, suss it out, and do it on your own terms.Telling a friend at a party, a football match, or whilst out shopping doesn't set the scene for a deep and meaningful conversation. It may be wise to tell them you have something important you want to talk about and even make a special appointment to meet them and have a chat. You can ask them to meet for a coffee or lunch, or arrange to go for a walk somewhere quiet. This focuses both your and their attention, and sets you up to have a proper, uninterupted conversation. 

3. Make them feel special because they are:

       The reason you are telling them that you have bipolar is because you value them as a friend. You trust and respect them, even with your darkest secrets. They must be a great friend and it's worth telling them this. We don't tell our loved ones how much we appreciate them enough. We tend to assume they know. But by telling them you may be making their day, and making the bipolar conversation easier. 

4. Be patient. Don't have too high expectations:

        Once you've told them, your friend may get it, or they may not. It might take some time for what you have said to sink in. Some of my friends listened to my bipolar story but didn't really get it. Indeed, years late, some of them don't really get it. They gloss over it, they forget about it, and they never ask about it. In some ways this is a good thing, because I can enjoy being a normal person around them. Another friend who I told, inadvertently dismissed bipolar, saying, 

        "Yeh, I understand. I have my ups and downs too." This is quite a normal reaction. We can't expect our friends to understand something they have never experienced or learned about. Don't get frustrated with them. I'll give you an example. If you're a man, you cannot understand what it's like to be pregnant. You can "sort of" understand, but never to the depth of a woman who's pregnant. If you're a woman, you cannot understand what it's like to experience your voice breaking at thirteen. Remember, just because your friend doesn't react in the way you would like, doesn't mean they can't be your friend. One of the best ways to help your friend understand, and to manage their reaction, is to make it personal, which leads me into tip 5.

5. Share your personal experience of bipolar:

        It's one thing to quote facts and figures about bipolar and here are a few such as 1-2 in 100 people suffer from bipolar. However, to talk about your personal experience of highs, lows, medication, how it has affected you, how you feel about it, and how it is to live with bipolar is powerful. You have to feel safe enough to open up, but when you do, your own honesty helps. You don't have to tell your friend all the gory details, but you might feel a weight off your shoulders if you explain it properly. You can explain that there will be times when you're not yourself, you may ignore them, or get angry with them for no good reason. It might put pressure on your friendship, it might already have done so. You may be rude, distracted, negative, hyper or just really glum for a long time. It's helpful to explain that you don't chose to act these ways, that you value them no matter what. You can hope that they'll understand, but don't pin all your hopes on it. It's a lot to ask. 

        If you feel comfortable you can talk about your medication. In general, bipolar usually requires medication, at least during episodes, and that medication can be tough. It can also be very effective.Explain that bipolar is not all bad. It can be managed and with the right help you can live a good life. One thing is for sure, it is easier to talk about mental illness nowadays than it's ever been.

6. If they are interested you can explain what causes bipolar and the different states you experience:

        No one is sure exactly what causes bipolar. No single gene has been discovered that is responsible for the illness. Genetics, trauma, long-term stress, poor diet, chemical imbalance, head injuries, strokes and other factors may play a role. 

        You can talk about your own experiences of Mania: Imagine you drank 10 coffees, can't stop, are going at 100 miles per hour etc, spending too much money, sleeping around etc.

        Depression: Everything is negative, low or no energy, no enjoyment of life etc.

        Hypomania: Can feel great, get carried away, achieve lots but don't consider others etc.

        The most important thing is that you share as much as you are comfortable with and not more.

7. Explain that you can't just pull yourself together. You need help:

        Bipolar is a biological and (in addition) sometimes a psychological illness too. It physically effects mood, sleep, energy levels and how we interpret, act and think about ourself and life. It is not just exagerated feelings and thoughts. It is a chemical and biological imbalance. So, if I'm depressed I can't just cheer up and get on with my day. I may not even be able to get out of bed. Some depressions and manias last for weeks or even months. Sometimes I might be really mean, or irresponsible, or not be able to take care of myself. I might have to go into a mental hospital. 

        "If you break your leg you can't run. If your brain breaks you can't do pretty much anything, because we live life through our brain." 

        It can get really bad, even ending up in hospital. If you can find a balance between explaining the seriousness but also offering some hope it can be helpful for your friend. 

8. Let them know how they can help:

       Without putting them under pressure, and explaining that they may need time to think about it, you can outline some ways that they can help you. One of the reasons you are probably telling your friend is that you may need their help in the future. A good friend will appreciate that you confided in them, and probably want to help when they can. A fair weather friend won't. In some ways its a bonus if someone doesn't turn out to be as good a friend as you thought. Better to learn now than when you really need them. 

        For the good friends: You might want them to ring you and distract you when you are down. They may be able to get your out for a walk when you cannot do it yourself. Sympathy, support, kindness, and a sense of humour help. "If in doubt please call me," is something I have said to a few of my friends. 

        Whatever you need very much depends on you and your friend. We are all different. Perhaps they want to come to a support group with you? Perhaps they are happy to be named as a contact in case you get ill? Perhaps you don't want them too involved but you want them to know that you have bipolar, in case bipolar affects your relationship? It's up to you. 

"Treat me normally when I'm well. Tell me if you think I am off or acting strangely. I will do my best to be open." These are words that can really help.

One of my favourite quotes is,

"I have bipolar but I am not bipolar." This is a great reminder that although you have a serious illness, it doesn't need to dominate every part of your friendships.

9. If the conversation goes badly: Despite your best efforts, sometimes a friend may react badly. They might become uncomfortable, distanct, or even say something hurtful in the moment. Try not to take their reaction personally, they may need some time, or another conversation once they have digested your news. They make just be shocked, or have had experiences with mental illness you don't know about. Giving them space and understanding is a good strategy. I have never been rejected by a friend who learns about my bipolar, but I have had a couple who barely heard what I said and didn't seem to absorb anything I said. I didn't stress about this. 

10. Ask them if they have questions:

        Sometimes when we are talking about such a subject that is so important for us, we forget to ask our friend what they think about what we've told them and how they feel about what we have just told them. Remember to be kind and considerate to your friend. To realise they may need time to absorb this news. They may need help in understanding bipolar. You still have an important role in the friendship. We all face challenges and you may sometimes need to support them too. You can tell them that you are there for them too.

Conclusion:

        By telling a friend you have bipolar you are taking a risk. You might get closer and you might lose them. They might step up to the plate or find it all too overwhelming. We all deal with news and challenges differently. As best as you can, be understanding of their choice. Be humble and open to their viewpoint, whether you agree with it or not. And remember, it's unlikely that you will lose them as a friend, but if you do, they were not a true friend anyway.

By Oliver Seligman (author of Befriending Bipolar: a patient's perspective). 

Oliver has a Youtube channel called: @livingbetterwithbipolar       

Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/@livingbetterwithbipolar