What is it like to experience a euphoric mania?

It is nearly impossible to imagine a state of consciousness we have not experienced for ourselves. We can read the most beautiful love stories, but until our heart misses a beat when hearing the footfalls of a lover, we don’t know what it is like to be in love. In this blog I will try to give an insight into how I experience the mania of bipolar disorder type one.

My manias have always manifested in two ways: either as heaven-sent, supremely pleasurable euphorias, or as terrifying inner battles where an assault of negative thoughts rips my sanity to pieces. In this blog I shall describe the characteristics of the euphoric manias I have experienced, and in the next blog I shall do the same for the agitated manias.

 Euphoric mania: Experiencing a euphoric mania is an astonishing feeling. As the name suggests, a euphoric mania feels wonderful beyond words. Being enveloped by what feels like a divine state makes me blissfully happy, profoundly overconfident and irresponsibly fearless. As high as a kite, I float through life on cloud nine without a care in the world. I still feel like me but an immeasurably improved version of me, as if my ego has been injected with steroids. I feel sexy, powerful and in the flow. Creativity flows in ways so supported by life it seems anything is possible and within reach. 

As this love affair develops with my fertile mind, my ideas become sacred and appear to be cocooned in genius. I follow each brilliant idea until it takes me to another even more appealing one, and then I follow that. I become more talkative and eager to share my opinions. But my speed of thought and inability to focus on one thing makes it challenging for others to follow what I am saying. Yet, I believe I’m making perfect sense.

Incredible insights find their way into my consciousness, which isn’t surprising because God has chosen me to share my brilliance with the world. In a series of intuitive flashes, I understand the complexities of the Cosmos and the answers to questions that have confounded the greatest minds for centuries. The solutions to violence, poverty and world hunger are obvious to me, if only the foolish mortals of Earth could understand my message. I possess a complete understanding of the history of humanity and of what lies ahead for the people of this planet. When trying to explain my insights, I become tongue-tied and incapable of verbalising my genius, resorting to scribbling rough diagrams on scraps of toilet paper, but no one understands. How can they? They are mere mortals.

Life adopts a magical quality, with me as the magician at the centre of it all. Each day is an adventure. Full of life, excitement and synchronicities. I consistently get good parking spots or my favourite table in busy restaurants, and the waitresses love me. Who wouldn’t? There is a certain magic to this state that science has not yet explained. For example, I might think of a song and the next shop I walk into will be playing it. Feelings of confidence, dynamism, well-being and allure ooze from every pore in my body.

I radiate a mania-charged magnetism, and my heightened energy draws people to me as if under a hypnotic spell. At parties, everyone crowds around me, hanging on every word I say and joke I tell. People near me sense this magnetism which makes me much more attractive to the opposite sex, which pumps me up even more. I spend my time on the hunt, flirting or chatting up the opposite sex, feeding my ego with their attention. I am convinced I can do the impossible. So forceful with my ideas that it is challenging for my friends to do anything other than go along with them. I draw them into my outlandish theories, and they play along nervously, their words of reason ignored by my deluded fantasies. I was once convinced I would never age, believing meditation would keep my body young indefinitely. Excited by my new discovery I tried to explain to my wife why my DNA was unique, and I was so special. She ended up agreeing with me, although I suspect this was just so I would leave her alone.

In a euphoric mania, I believe I will succeed in whatever task I undertake, no matter how great the challenge. It matters not how outlandish or unrealistic it is. Whether it is becoming the best stockbroker in the world, writing a New York Times bestseller, or saving humanity from the brink of environmental destruction, I can do it. Money is no object. No matter how much I spend, I know that the universe loves me and will fill up my bank account before too long. Had I not been confined to a hospital bed during my worst manias, I would have spent all my money on ridiculous projects and bankrupted myself. 

In this state, I show an arrogant disinterest in other people’s opinions. What do they know? I have access to secret knowledge they can never understand. I talk like a megalomaniac and, had I been in a position of power during my manias, I think I would have abused it terribly.

Having said this, some of my manic discoveries illustrate the mysterious overlap that can occur between madness, reality and spiritual states. One of the strangest elements of mania is that it can give me understandings that are far beyond what I experience when well. I can see why some people describe mania as a spiritual experience because it expands my mind beyond the confines of everyday thinking and opens up new ways of experiencing reality.

When manic, I find myself connected to what seem like exaggerated spiritual states, but these states are not grounded in the stability that comes from a true spiritual practice. They are more like larger-than-life hallucinations combined with cosmic insights and discoveries. A truly spiritual state is based in presence and inner quiet rather than chaotic, dreamlike scenarios with no inner stability. True spiritual states are synonymous with peace and contentment, not confusion. A true spiritual state is grounded and in touch with reality. It is not floating away with fairies, trolls and angels.

Although my manias are ungrounded and confusing, I believe I have learned secrets about the Cosmos and my place in the universe that I never thought I would discover. Truths, that were confirmed after years of meditation, have been revealed to me in those highs. It is no surprise to me that a state of insanity, which can lead to fantastic feats of creativity, can somehow connect us to a higher power. Although the price one pays for this connection is unbearable, often in the form of a deep depression or serious accident.

Lying in a hospital bed, I once perceived that there was one permanent thing in the universe; a field of presence or consciousness that had no limits or boundaries. Everything else was transient. This field could not be seen, felt, smelled, touched or tasted but everything I saw, felt, smelled, touched or tasted existed within it. It united everything with its presence. Through years of spiritual work, I discovered my insight was true, but this time it came from a peaceful state of consciousness, not a crazy, manic high. It was an experienced reality rather than a clever, manic idea.

When manic, I have times when I become psychic. Some mornings I think of five people and all of them contact me that day. I can sometimes read people like open books and know things about their past that only they know. It is remarkable. The mind seems to have a far greater capacity than I ever imagined and some of this capacity may be unlocked by mania.

Whilst experiencing a euphoric mania, I would happily spend the rest of my days in this close-to-perfect experience, but it never lasts for more than a couple of weeks. Nature tries to find a balance and if left untreated, the euphoria develops into an uglier, agitated mania that is equally out of control and far more emotionally painful.

 

An excerpt from Oliver Seligman's book, Befriending Bipolar: a patient's perspective.