What Happens When We Accept Bipolar?

        In life, there are countless situations that cannot be controlled. Indeed, no matter how many resources we put into them, there are some that cannot be solved. If I can't solve a problem I only have three options. To fight it, deny it or accept it. When it comes to mental illness, acceptance is not a concept that is talked about enough. This is a shame because it is a master key to living a fulfilling life, even with a serious mental illness. I was not very good at acceptance. I prefered to fight with reality, to desperately try to change or avoid the things I didn't like. Yet, through meditation and bipolar disorder, the dawning of acceptance eased its way into my mindset over time. I don’t think I could have rushed it, or forced myself to accept some of the tougher parts of bipolar, but it happened. If I am honest, it felt like it happened by itself.

So, what is acceptance? In my view, it is learning to cooperate with life rather than struggling against it. It is learning to be okay with not getting it all my own way and working with whatever I’ve got. Acceptance is not resignation. Resignation is passive and feels weak and helpless. Resignation gives up too easily, throws its hands in the air and plays the victim. It often leads to resentment. Whereas acceptance is active and empowering. If I accept a situation, I have more energy to step back and see if I can change it. If I resign myself to a situation, I don't even believe that I can change it, and certainly don't have the energy to do so. It feels like I’ve already lost. 

Resignation says, 

“I don’t like this, but I have to put up with it.” 

Acceptance says,

“I can accept this as it it. If I can I will change this, but if I can’t, it's not the end of the world. I will make the most of it.”

After my first bipolar episode, I wasn’t even close to coming to terms with having a serious mental illness. I was willing to take lithium every day, but that was as far as it went. I was young and not ready to look at the gravity of my situation. Looking back I see that this was a stage I had to go through. It may be a stage that many people go through. In an over-confident, young man’s way, I decided that I had dealt with bipolar and could crack on with life. I didn't need to learn anything about it. I didn't need to stop drinking, eat well, make sensible decisions. I could just get on with life exactly as my friends were doing. 

In believing this story that I was telling myself, I shut bipolar out, rarely allowing myself to think about what I had been through or how I could live a better life with bipolar. In my own mind, I had dealt with the illness and if I kept taking my pills everything would be fine. I didn’t educate myself about bipolar, or join any support groups, nor did I adopt useful boundaries to support my mental health. If I did talk about the condition, it was from the perspective that I had heroically overcome an illness that would have defeated most people. I was far from humble, but this was because, deep down, I was afraid. It was the nineties and there wasn't much support for living a life with bipolar disorder. A lot has changed since then. As a society we now talk more about our problems, we value therapy, there are many more resources available to help us navigate this challenging task. Indeed, it is now cool to look after our mental health. It seems that everyone is talking about it. 

Seven years after I was diagnosed with bipolar, I applied for and got a job as a Sales Trader in one of the top investment banks in the world. I wanted to make lots of money so I could buy a place on the beach in Thailand and find peace. But to throw myself into the City of London and chaos of Wall Street, was not the wisest choice for my mental health. I found myself in a cut-throat, high-stress, unforgiving environment, working long hours, drinking too much alcohol and pushing myself to the limit. I just did not believe that I needed to look after myself. So, when it came to sensible choices I put my head in the sand.

Sometimes we have to learn from our own mistakes. No matter what anyone tells us, we have to walk our walk and then decide if that walk is good or bad for us. I think my “head in the sand” reaction was natural for a young man who had been blindsided by a mental illness and had not come to terms with what had happened. However, there are better strategies. Had I been wiser, I would have taken some time to learn about bipolar and would have created a life that supported my mental health. I would have found work that lowered my stress levels, and allowed me to feel purpose and meaning without putting my body and mind under so much strain.

 But I wasn’t mature, and I wasn't meant to be. I was meant to live life, sometimes banging my head against various walls, and learn from my experiences. So, I lived in denial; drinking, partying, eating badly and doing whatever I felt like doing. In my twenties, my mother gave me a book about bipolar and I didn’t bother opening it. Why would I? Why dwell on an illness I had already conquered?

Deep down, I was scared. My first episode had bolted shut doors in my mind, which I didn’t dare to open for fear of what I might find. If I read about bipolar, I might learn something that I would rather not know. Perhaps my life expectancy would be shorter? ²² Or perhaps I could fall ill even though I was taking lithium? What if I got ill and there was no one to look after me? Ignorance seemed a safer option.

Yet, over time, the dawning of acceptance changed everything for me. By waking up to the reality that I needed to look after myself, I needed more help and support than I was getting, and to let go of my fear and open up to not knowing everything, my experience of bipolar changed. Through acceptance I was able to have some distance to the illness, to read about it, ask about it and make better choices. This in turn led to a different mindset. It led me to slowly befriend bipolar. Not to love it. Not to rejoice in having it. But to stop seeing it an an enemy I needed to fight.

By Oliver Seligman (author of Befriending Bipolar: a patient's perspective). 

Oliver has a Youtube channel called: @livingbetterwithbipolar       

Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/@livingbetterwithbipolar